Life After Windbird, Day 41: Celebration of Life for Mark
Date: Thursday, September 22, 2016
Weather: Sunny and Warm with Calm Seas; High 80 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

Today was a beautiful day in all ways. I was surrounded by perfect weather and loving family and friends as we headed out into the Vineyard Sound to send Mark’s ashes out to sea. We had one little glitch when one of the two engines on the boat wouldn’t start. But the captain just announced that we would have to move from the Islander to the Patriot Too. The Patriot Too is a smaller and slower boat, but it was dependable and we made it to Tarpaulin Cove. There we cut the engines and drifted while Olivia White led a beautiful memorial service. It was probably a bit long for the grandchildren, but they were all so good and patient. There were moments when I just couldn’t hold it together, but I just took a deep breath, looked at those beautiful grandchildren, and got those tears under control. Matthew Porat, son of friends Detta and Tom Porat, flew in from Utah, and he read a favorite poem of Mark’s by James Kavanaugh entitled, “There Are Men Too Gentle Too Live Among Wolves.” Mark’s brother and brother-in-law read remembrances from the Handley family, and my niece, Candice Todd, read part of letter she sent to Mark about a month ago that symbolized the way all of my nieces and nephews felt about Mark. Bruce Woodin read one of Mark’s favorite quotes from The Wind and the Willows by Kenneth Grahame: “There is nothing—absolutely nothing—half so much worth doing as just messing about in boats.” And Mark’s other favorite quote was printed on the back of a card given to everyone present. I’ll end the log with that quote, but first I’ll complete the description of today’s memorial. We ended with the song that Mark sang to his children and that we still sing to grandchildren today. That is “Simple Gifts”, a Shaker song. Matthew Porat played that on his violin as we sang along. While Matthew continued to play, Heather, Justin, and I dropped the packet of ashes off the back of the boat and everyone present threw over a long-stemmed yellow rose and a rock with a message written on it for Mark. The grandchildren distributed the rocks and permanent markers for people to write their message which gave them a purpose. And kids just love rocks, so that was a great recommendation of Olivia’s. I think the whole program worked nicely and I think Mark would have approved. Our oldest grandchild, Sam, requested that we record the latitude and longitude where the ashes were sent out to sea. I think it was Alan Kanegsberg who got the position from the captain–not sure about that. But the position I was given was:
Latitude 41 degrees 28.841 minutes N
Longitude 070 degrees 43.713 minutes W

When we got back to Falmouth Harbor, we all headed to Heather and Jed’s for what the caterer told me would be a ‘light’ dinner. Everyone had the same reaction. If that was ‘light’ we would hate to see ‘heavy’. There was way more food than we could eat but it was really delicious.

This log is probably making no sense. I am really tired. Justin, Jo, and kids leave at 6 am, so we are getting up at 5 o’clock in the morning! I sure am going to miss them, but I’d best get to bed so I can at least rally in the morning to say our farewells. Once they leave tomorrow and Mark’s family leaves on Saturday, I will have my first test at how I am going to react to life without my soulmate. He would want me to be strong, so I’ll give that my best effort.

Life After Windbird, Day 40: Red Sails at Night . . .
Date: Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Weather: Gorgeous Day, Great Sunset; High 78 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

“Red sails at night, sailors’ delight.” This rhyme has been used by sailors for over two thousand years to predict the weather. So I was elated tonight when there was a red sky indicating that we will have a good day to be out on the water tomorrow for our celebration of Mark’s life. But today we were busy with a bit of getting ready. We will be out on the Islander for two hours in the afternoon tomorrow and then we will return to Heather and Jed’s for a light dinner provided by a local caterer. We needed to get serving tables and chairs set up in Heather’s backyard, buy miscellaneous items, and order some others. Steve, Mary Ellen, and Lee did the running and buying—drinks, napkins, silverware, etc., etc. I ran errands in the morning and then helped get the backyard set-up, went to buy some mums, and actually went out and did a little shopping for myself. Jo helped Heather and Jed so some house cleaning. After school, Justin and I took the Fab 5 to Mariner’s Point, the motel where ME, Lee, and Steve are staying, to swim in the outdoor pool. Then they treated us all to a fabulous pizza dinner while we watched that beautiful sunset. Mariner’s Point is adjacent to a huge field that runs all the way down to the water—a great place for kids. There are lots of picnic tables and the weather was just perfect for an evening dinner outside. A big thanks to Mary Ellen, Lee, and Steve for hosting us. Unfortunately Heather and Jed could not join us. Tonight was Meet Your Child’s Teacher night at East Falmouth Elementary. Heather is co-president of the PTO and had to be there to greet parents and invite them to become more involved in their child’s education by coming to PTO meetings. That left Jed to go meet Sam and Jonah’s teachers. We missed them but understand that they were doing the most “importanent” thing. “Importanent” was Justin’s way of saying important when he was a wee one and I still love that word.

I have been spoiled by having Justin, Jo, Ziggy, and Coco here for almost two weeks. It has not been the visit they were expecting, but it has been a blessing to me to have them here. They leave on Friday and I’m already trying to figure out when I can fly down to Puerto Rico to visit with them.

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one. Thankfully I will have my family and many good friends here to support me. Tomorrow is the fall equinox, so as does the earth, I will be entering a new season without the love of my life. So hard.

Life After Windbird, Day 40: Mark’s Family Arrived
Date: Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Weather: Rain Early, Then Clearing; High 81 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

Too late and too tired. So this will be very short. Mark’s sister, brother-in-law, and brother arrived today. I drove to Boston to pick them up and did a little shopping at Costco on my way up. I also met with the caterer before leaving the Cape, so I think we are all set for Thursday. We have a charter boat and a destination, a person to lead us through our little ceremony, good friends and families that are going to attend, and a caterer to feed us at Heather and Jed’s afterwards. There are more details to attend to tomorrow, but at least I will have Mary Ellen, Mark’s sister, her husband Lee, and Mark’s brother Steve to help me. Heather, Jed, Justin, and Jo will get things ready at Heather’s house and it looks like the weather is going to cooperate. So things are looking good. Now to bed.

Life After Windbird, Day 37: Finalizing Plans for Mark’s Memorial
Date: Sunday, September 18, 2016
Weather: Mostly Cloudy, High 80 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

This is going to be another short log. Basically I spent a great deal of today planning for Mark’s memorial service on Thursday. Family and friends will be going out on a charter boat (not a sailboat) to a favorite family location in Vineyard Sound. We will then go to Heather’s for food and drink. It will be simple, but I am so glad that we are going to be able to take some of his ashes to a favorite place to send them out to sea. And more importantly, we will be on a boat. That’s the important part.

Heather, Jed, and boys came over for dinner tonight. I have never been the one to do the grilling in this family, but for the second time this week, I found myself at the grill to fix dinner tonight. Grilling was always Mark’s job. But I am learning, ever so slowly, to do this. Other things that were never “my job” were dealing with mail, bills, and electronics. The mail and bills are pretty straight forward except that bills are done electronically. So Heather and Justin are trying to spend some time with me bringing me up to speed. There was a time in my life when I was fiercely independent and could not imagine that I would ever need this kind of help. But children came along and we were so busy that we had to divide jobs. Once that was done, it stayed that way until now. Thankfully I have children who can help me with this transition.

Life After Windbird, Day 36: Soccer, Beach, and Planning
Date: Saturday, September 17, 2016
Weather: Partly Cloudy, High 75 degrees F—Beach Perfect
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

Today was all about soccer, a walk to the beach with grandkids, and planning for Mark’s memorial service. The weather was beautiful and we all enjoyed watching Ollie and Jonah play soccer. Sam’s game was about an hour north and west of here in the afternoon, so we sent Jed and Sam on their way alone for that one. Jonah, Ziggy, Ollie, and Coco just wanted to play. But after a bit they got restless, so I walked with them down to the beach. We didn’t get in the water, but just relaxed in the glorious September sunshine. Falmouth Heights Beach has a concrete sea wall that is about five feet high. The Fab 5 minus 1 decided that running along the wall and jumping off was a fun activity and thankfully no one got hurt. But Coco did something I have never seen anyone do at that beach. Heather had come to make a drinking water delivery and we were standing on top of the wall. Somehow Coco scaled the wall and climbed up on top while wearing her little lace dress. She certainly shocked both of us. We think she must be part monkey.

We are still deciding exactly what we want to do for Mark memorial service. We know it will be on Thursday afternoon, and we are hoping it will involve a boat ride out to sea to scatter ashes. But beyond that, we just aren’t sure. I don’t think any of us are thinking clearly, but I’m confident that we’ll pull this together.

Life After Windbird, Day 35: Full Moon Bonfire
Date: Friday, September 16, 2016
Weather: Beautiful Cape Cod Fall Day
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

It was a good day. Ollie couldn’t go to school since he had a fever yesterday and the school rule is to not send a child who has had a fever within the past 24 hours. So Heather dropped him here on her way to work this morning. Ollie was not totally recovered, but he was certainly feeling good enough to go with Coco, Ziggy, and Jo to the Heritage Museums and Gardens to play the day away in a beautiful setting. Since Jo had Heather and Jed’s van and Jed had a medical appointment and was not going to Woods Hole first thing this morning, Heather needed a ride to work. I took her to work and when I got back, Jo was ready to leave with the little ones. Then Justin did a bit of work and I did a bit of straightening before we both took off on separate ventures. Justin walked down the street to the Bank of America to set up some business accounts. I did some much needed shopping, went to the funeral home to pick up death certificates that are needed by Social Security, the bank, etc., stopped by the bank to deal with opening and closing various accounts, and by the time I was finished, it was time to go back to Woods Hole to pick Heather up and take her home so she could pick Sam and Jonah up from school. I then spent the rest of my afternoon seeking out possible venues for our seaside memorial event for Mark. I have some possibilities, but there are just not enough hours in the day to do all that needs to get done. But we switched gears for the evening and will start again tomorrow.

We had dinner at Heather and Jed’s again tonight. Heather and Jo had talked about having a bonfire, so I fixed dinner at Heather’s so we could then move to the backyard for the bonfire. Jed had prepared the fire before dinner, so we moved from the dinner table to the backyard and really enjoyed the fire. And what’s a good bonfire without making s’mores? So, of course, we did that. Justin played his new guitar, Ollie played Jonah’s ukulele, a neighborhood friend brought over a bottle of champagne to share, and we just generally enjoyed the beautiful full moon evening.

Tomorrow is ‘Soccer Saturday’, so I’ll start my morning by walking to the soccer field to watch Ollie’s first soccer practice. He has a 10 o’clock practice, Jonah as a 12 noon game, and Sam and Jed head to Fall River for a game in the afternoon. Hopefully, in between all these activities, all of us will have some time to just kick back and relax this weekend. I think we all need that.

Life After Windbird, Day 34: Scrub Brush in the Toilet
Date: Thursday, September 15, 2016
Weather: Sunny Day, Chilly Tonight; Low ~50 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

We are all still struggling terribly with Mark’s death, but I know this is going to go on for years. But mix that with a virus that is circulating from one to another, and you have a stressed out bunch of people. Heather is returning to work tomorrow after a few days off, but she thought she would spend her last day off cleaning her house in anticipation of a few guests that are arriving for next week’s memorial service for Mark. She did great until she dumped a soapy bucket of water into the toilet. Her problem was that she had left a big scrub brush in that water, and as soon as she dumped it she realized her mistake. But by this time the toilet was full of water and flushed on its own . . . taking the scrub brush down with it. I think there is no need to outline what came next. Or, then again, maybe there is. An actual full-sized scrub brush went right down with no way to retrieve it. Heather could reach far enough into the toilet to tell that it was actually still there, but she couldn’t grab it. So with the help of the Melissa from next door, they removed the toilet and carried it to the front yard. There she could turn it upside down and get the brush out. So much for her day!

Ziggy, Coco, and I toured the Woods Hole this morning. We went to see the 11 am seal show and then toured the Aquarium. From there we went to the WHOI Exhibit Center and then across the street to pick up Ollie. We got back to my apartment and then he just faded. He said he was cold and just had to get under the covers in my bed. He went right to sleep which should have been my notice, but it wasn’t until I left to go to the Farmer’s Market and take things to Heather’s for dinner that Jo called and said his temp was 102. I came to pick him up and after getting home and getting a dose of child ibuprofen, he rebounded quickly. Hopefully whatever he has passes quickly.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully there will be no toilet incidents and no more fevers. A nice quiet day with no drama would be great.

Life After Windbird, Day 33: Happy Birthday to Justin
Date: Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Weather: Still Clear and Windy; High 79 degrees F (feels cooler)
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

Happy birthday to my baby boy. Well, he’s not really a baby or a boy anymore, but in a mother’s eyes he will be that always. It has been so wonderful to have him and Jo here with me this week. I think this place would have seemed just too lonely without them. They have decided to extend their stay for another week so that we can have a memorial service for Mark next Thursday when his ashes are returned. We had not planned on doing this, but Heather and Justin feel the need for some sort of closure, especially for the little ones. Our original thought was to have nothing at this time and do something with extended family next summer when it is more convenient for everyone with children to travel. But there was some rethinking and decision that all of us will feel better once some of those ashes are floating out to sea. In addition, New Hampshire Public Radio is going to host a gathering of friends, family, and public radio colleagues sometime in the coming weeks. This will be in Concord, New Hampshire, so all of our Concord Yacht Club friends can attend, as well as our other good friends from the fifteen years we lived there. So the man who wanted no service because he didn’t want to inconvenience people by making them feel like they have to attend something is not quite getting his way. I have made Mark’s wishes clear to family, so I’m not sure how many people will be coming in from out of town. But we will celebrate his life with good friends and family that can attend and put Granddad to rest in the eyes of the grandchildren.

I slept in this morning while Jo baked a birthday cake for Justin and fixed a fantastic breakfast of Huevos Rancheros—eggs and beans with red sauce. Justin just calls them cowboy eggs, but whatever, the breakfast was delicious. Thank you, Jo. Heather and Ollie joined us for breakfast, but I think it was almost noon by the time we ate. Heather left to go have lunch with Jonah and Sam and then take them out of school early to go for a walk in the woods. Justin, Jo, Ziggy, and Coco headed to Hyannis for an afternoon of shopping. I sent Justin with the instructions to find himself a new acoustic guitar for his birthday. He obeyed and he has a beautiful new curly maple guitar.

Tomorrow is do-nothing day. Can’t wait.

Life After Windbird, Day 32: Taking Care of Business
Date: Tuesday, September 13, 2016
Weather: Clear and Windy; High 79 degrees F
Location: At Home in The Studio #8, Falmouth, MA

The Weather Underground tells me it was 79 degrees here today, but it felt much cooler. In fact, it actually felt like the first day of fall. But if today felt cool, the forecast for Thursday is ten degrees cooler. It will be interesting to see how that feels, but I think summer is quickly turning into fall.

Today was a day of taking care of business. But before meeting with a representative at the funeral home, I spent time down on the dock with Ziggy, Coco, and Ollie. Ollie opted out of school today to play with the cousins. We goal this morning was to cut up raw chicken, tie it to the end of a string, and put it in the water in an attempt to try and catch crabs. Unfortunately, we only saw one crab. So we turned our attention to catching “teeny weiners”—Ziggy’s name for Ctenafores (silent ‘c’), more commonly called comb jellies. These are tiny jelly fish with no tentacles and no sting. They move slowly through the water and are easy to catch. So the kids caught a bunch, put them in a bucket, and then released them “in the wild” in their terms. Then they started over and did this again. Coco does all of this wearing her fanciest “girl” clothes which is entertaining to watch in itself. Coco and Ollie are just so “four”—too cute for words. They could be catching air and be just as happy. But Ziggy is much more serious in his attempts to capture and study wildlife. But whatever stage they are in, it is a delight to be with them.

After my dock time with the grandchildren, Heather and I headed to the funeral home to make arrangements for Mark’s cremation. Mark and I had discussed this at length and he wanted the simplest possible arrangements. But you just don’t know how you are going to react to things until you are in the moment. We always discussed a simple pine box to be the required container. But these days they offer a much cheaper cardboard box. I really flinched at that notion. All I could think is “just don’t put me in a cardboard box”, so we went with the more expensive pine box. I make fun, but the entire experience was much more difficult than I imagined. But it was short and to the point, so we were soon on way back to the apartment. When we returned we dealt with Jo’s very irritated eye. Not too long ago she had a serious problem with the same eye. Earlier she had walked down to the closest eye doctor’s office and was told that the beginning fee for just looking at the eye would be $300 to $350 dollars. Yikes! So I recommended that we call my eye doctor. They had an opening in the afternoon and their fee was much more reasonable. Thankfully when she finally got to meet the doctor, she found out that the problem was much less serious than anticipated.

Heather and I had taken all three children to their house in the early afternoon to play leaving Justin at the apartment to do some work and Jo to go to the doctor. Just before we left, Heather got a call from Jed saying that Jonah was having a tough time at school because he was very sad about Granddad. So Jed had picked him up and brought him home. Jonah appears to be Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky, but his feelings run much deeper than you would expect. He is going to be fine, but it is just going to take a few days to adjust to the absence of Granddad for all of us. Heather and I spent the afternoon contacting insurance folks and dealing with other financial issues. Justin and Jo came to have dinner with us and then we all went to the corner ice cream shoppe to have an ice cream in honor of Granddad. He loved ice cream, so the kids thought this was a great way to pay tribute. Mark would have loved this.

Justin has been feeling bad since they arrived, but he crashed tonight. He obviously has a fever and was chilling terribly. Coco has been sick for the past couple of days with a temperature, so Justin must have whatever Coco has had. Tomorrow is Justin’s birthday, so I sure hope he is feeling better by morning.

I continue to be amazed by the beautiful comments I read on Facebook about Mark. Work colleagues and friends from all over have posted the most beautiful tributes. And I have received so many emails from friends and family. I haven’t had a second to respond, so I sure hope everyone understands. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a bit of a slower day with time to write back to people. I need that back and forth connection with family and friends as part of the healing process.